Tag Archive: drink


My Irish Open

I would have loved to get this trip report up sooner but my real life job (as opposed to this fantasy dream job) got in the way more than I would have liked it to. For anyone who doesn’t know what I do when I disappear with nothing more than a laptop in my hand (or to prospective employers who may be Googling me in the future), I’m charged with the responsibility of keeping the poker community up to date with the latest happenings at the largest poker tournaments in the country. This Bank Holiday weekend, I was in the Burlington Hotel in Dublin for the most prestigious Irish tournament – The Irish Open.

When I got to my room on the Friday, I soon realised that its layout was butchered in half so that it could make the room beside it into a wonderful executive suite. As it transpired over the weekend, that suite housed the lovely Kara Scott, although she spent most of the weekend getting the lift up and down to the 4th floor, perhaps where one Brian Townsend was camped out? There were two other problems with my room, one was that the toilet was placed right in front of the hotel room door which ordinarily wouldn’t be an issue but I have this awful habit of leaving the toilet doors open while I’m in locked hotel rooms. Strange, I know, but on two of the mornings accommodation staff timed their entry perfectly to the moment where I was about to announce bombs away! The other problem was that the wheels on my bed were a bit too free moving and whenever I’d sit on the bed it’d fly about 6ft across the room. It definitely led to some disturbing alcohol induced nightmares of rolling down a hill and off a pier to my death. Explains how I managed to wake up for the start of play every morning anyway! With all my complaints though, my room wasn’t even one tenth as bad as the room I was lumped with in the enchanted and long forgotten halls of the Gleneagle back in October, as Sam will testify.

This year saw me being part of the biggest blogging team yet. I’m glad to report that most of them could keep up with the drinks. Sam was renowned for saying he was going to the toilet only to duck off to bed or do the loots at the cash tables, Darragh kind of filled in this role this time around and ironically was the only person to be late on one of the days, despite not drinking! Both Ed and Brian couldn’t get enough pints into them (much respect) and those moments the barmen started to leave the bar in single file every night were some of the lowest of the entire event. Was great to put some more faces to names although I think at this point about 90% of the faces stored in my brain belong to random poker players and some of the stuff that happened was comical beyond belief. I had a great laugh at the expense of some poor guy who slipped off the counter and collapsed into a mess on the ground. He proved he wasn’t a quitter by eventually getting up and digging into all the idle drinks that were on a table nearby!

Having distinctively said that I was shit at poker only last week, it was only natural for me to gravitate towards the cash tables at every available opportunity. On the first night I only ventured over so I could order some food. I ended up doubling up on my second hand when someone shoved blind for 200 and I snapped with the King-Ten in the blinds and held against Q2. I left after I finished my platter of incinerated onion rings and what looked to be sausages. On the second night, I threw away €80 within the first few minutes and kind of tilted myself. I called a raise with the JcTs in the SB and 4 of us see a flop of 8c5c9s. I check and the original raiser bets €30, he’s called in two spots and with action back to me, I decide that I didn’t call a raise preflop to fold to that board and ship for €120. I’m snapped in one spot and then the button agonises for a while before saying he’s priced in to call. I’m up against 9cTc and 4c7c and bing the 7 on the river for the wonderful treble up. Felt sorry for the guy who thought he was priced in only to be drawing pretty dead with what he thought was a big draw! I won a little on the 3rd night but left because of the ever-present fear of having both my chips and myself swallowed up by the giant American beside me.

Having finished in the green on all three nights, I’m now once again convinced that I’m absolutely brilliant at this game and would ask everyone to ignore that nonsense I rattled off a while back. It’s a shame though, I was almost out, only to be sucked back in to what I know to be a vicious circle once again in the dying moments!

As I posted on my Facebook, I’m already looking forward to bruising my hips in search of horrible coolers at future events and the late night craic in the bar every night!

Mess. Definition please. A state of confusion and disorderliness. Welcome to my life.

Last Saturday confirmed all my suspicions. It’s 2:30am and the music has stopped, the lights are on and I’m as hungry as a size-zero model in a McDonalds for the first time in their life. I step outside the Forum and it’s raining cats and dogs. My fancy dress plan was initially going to be a crude attempt at my role model and idol, Captain Morgan. It didn’t work out that way though.

I had dug through the end of my wardrobe and eventually rustled up a Death costume from yesteryear. It was nothing to get excited about except for the hood that covered your entire face to create an air of mystery which admittedly granted me the freedom to dry hump (amongst other things to be fair) everyone in sight, all whilst remaining anonymous. Hoods are dangerous though.

Cats and Dogs are bouncing off my face and the only thing on my mind is a chicken burger freshly harvested by some Polish slave worker in Hill Billies. My friends are all creeping about outside the Forum, either catching up with old friends or going in for the kill on the haplessly unaware! I wanted no part of such debauchery though and instead opted to pull over my hood, put my head down and run into town where I could get all the breast I wanted. And then I could go get chicken.

I probably got a hundred meters before childhood memories suddenly came flooding back. See, when I was about 3 years old, and this is one of my earliest vivid memories, I was oddly environmentally aware. I had just finished a Loop The Loop ice-lolly and wanted to dispose of my lolly pop stick in the safest possible way so I broke away from the tight grip of my mother and ran down towards the nearest bin at the bottom of the street. Proud of completing my civic duty, I turned around to my mother to wave in delight. My mother got quite animated, obviously immensely proud of me. I woke up twenty minutes later.

As it turns out, the only thing between me and the bin was a lamp post.

In retrospect I think I got away quite lightly. I did kill a tooth though. How do you kill a tooth? Simple really. You run as fast as you can towards a bin, turn around and wave to your mother and then look back just in time to wrap yourself around an iron pole and knock yourself unconscious and sever the nerves in your gums.

Fast forward seventeen years and I’m once again hurtling towards a pole only this time I have a fucking black veil across my face which gives me the same eyesight as a 90 year old World War II veteran. I know the road though and manage to maneuver my way around a few obstacles. I think I’m in the clear and put the proverbial foot down. I notice three people eating chips outside the Ballybricken Chipper. It’s the last thing I notice.

“OOOOOOOOOOHH” is all I hear in chorus as I suddenly come to a stand still. Actually, a “stand still” is a very generous description of myself. A collapsed mess would be more apt. I pull the veil back over my head and see a pole standing over me. One of the avid chip eaters from across the road comes over to see if I’m okay while I can still hear the unmistakable ring that’s created when Pole meets Skull. Either that or they were going to rob me. I’m conscious though and they go back to their fish and chips.Bastards with their food. I send a text to my friend which simply read “fucking Pole. I’m in a bad way”. When he arrived, fists clenched, he demanded to know where the dirty foreigner had gone. I should have saved face and cut my losses by admitting that some greasy Pole started on me and attacked me for no reason. Instead I told him the truth. To summarise, it pretty much went like: “I’m a fucking retard who runs into iron poles for the craic”.

It’s then that I notice I’m bleeding. I’m so preoccupied with with wiping my face and trying to keep up with my friends (who I was ironically running away from in the first place) that I then walk into another pole. If I was trickling blood in the first place, I was pumping at industrial pace now! I was bungled into a taxi and sent home. It was probably for the best but I ended up not getting any food which was the reason why I turned into a unsighted Usain Bolt in the first place!

I took a photo of myself which kind of made me look like some kind of rape victim but thankfully I got a text the next morning that said I wasn’t raped but went into a Pole instead. Had I finished that double Morgan’s and Coke that was knocked out of my hand before I left, that text probably would have been appreciated much more.

It’s now Thursday and most of my face has healed. After about a day of washing, I managed to get rid of all the caked in blood to reveal the actual size of the cut. I probably could have done with a stitch or two but I think I can live with another scar. It’s not like I was going to become Nivea’s next big thing by brandishing the man tan on national TV! To compound the idea that a stitch would have come in handy is the fact that I now have blood trickling down my face again. Apparently random people love picking at random peoples scabs. They should just get their own to be fair.

I can’t get away from the fact that it’s another scar and another embarrassing story to go with it! The last scar I earned goes about halfway down my shin after I mistimed a jump between two walls while running and took a healthy chunk out of it. I swear that the next scar I get is going to be for something heroic like falling out of a tree after rescuing a blind cat. Knowing me I’ll probably just clock another pole – I’m an expert at this stage!

Why Indian food is bad…

Okay, I know that part two of my Oxegen trip report is still “due”. The first half of it was far too long, so I’ve conveniently decided to wait a few months so that I’ll forget all the non-important stuff and only include a mind blowing account of the remainder of the weekend. If only.

For now I’ll skip forward a few weeks to the present time. I’ve just made it home after waiting half an hour in an Indian take away for my end of night food. Indian food is world renowned for it’s unique flavour and it’s interesting to note that Indians are far more popular than Chinese in England, in restaurant terms, which is perhaps the result of the Chinese getting to Ireland first and getting a firm grip of the place before the Indians eventually came to our shores.

“I’ll have a Vindalloo” would usually be my instinctive request if I ever found myself at an Indian takeaway as drunk as a wino on Dole Day. I had a brief look at the menu though, and was overwhelmed with the numbers. Options 1 through 60 all looked the same to me until I caught glimpse of the big notice underneath the conventional menu which offered a Doner Kebab roll and can of coke for €5. Yes please.

A half an hour passed and all my friends got their food – traditional Indian curries and the like. I was still sat there talking about cricket of all things to the sole member of staff. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if Ali at the counter sent Mohammad in the kitchen over to the Istanbul across the road to get a few slices of Doner meat. During this time I wondered what the hell Doner meat was. I’m glad I was too drunk at the time (and probably still am) to even begin to comprehend just how little meat goes into this “meat”.

I eventually got my meal, and I use the term “meal” extremely lightly, perhaps to the point where I don’t even classify it as a meal and more so call it a challenge to the stomach. My stomach passed. Thusfar.

Cocktails – Bad Idea!

Yesterday morning was one of those days where I vowed never to touch a drop of alcohol again. With bloodshot eyes and with what felt like a hammer pounding against my head, I somehow stumbled into the chaos and madness of work for a torturous 8 hour stint. It wasn’t meant to be like that though! I wasn’t meant to meander back to my house at 4am and cling to my covers for dear life, for fear of falling! Oh no, I had it planned all differently; a few drinks back at the house, followed by maybe one or two when I went out. I don’t roll that way.

I had tonnes of drink left from a small house party earlier in the week and found a website called WebTender, where you simply select what “ingredients” you have and it lists all the possible drinks you can make! Some experimentation was in order and the ensuing hours consisted of me knocking back all manner of magical concoctions! I felt fine when we (thought it was imperative to point out I wasn’t drinking alone!) left the house, well, certainly better than I would have felt had I been drinking cans!

Cocktails have a way of making you forget though. They make you forget just how many you’ve had to drink and they make it all to easy to forget that they’re absolutely laced with alcohol!! One of the nicest ones I “sampled” had double shots of Vodka and Southern Comfort and was topped off with milk! It tasted like those old Mily Ice Lollies that were around years a go. So when I arrived at the forum, I was under the illusion that I didn’t have much to drink! So in what originally started as a way to save some money and try new drinks, quickly turned into a one-tonne night!

Pizza and Vomit. The only two things I remember after the forum closed. I remember the pizza because there was evidence of the meal deal I had bought beside my bed when I woke up… and stood in it! I remember the vomit because I tried to login and blog. Trying to focus your vision on something when all it wants to do is make everything blurry and distorted isn’t a smart thing to do. Even in my dunken stupor, it only took two visits to my good friend, the toilet bowl, to realise that blogging wasn’t happening.

Yesterday morning was one of those days where I vowed never to touch a drop of alcohol again. I’ll see you out next week!

Haven’t had the chance to update this in a long time because I’ve been working my cotton socks off! I have one day left to work in what’s become an 8 day working week! When I’m not working, I’m trying my hardest to enjoy what precious spare time I have which usually ends up with me in a pub of some shape or form. Last night I dedicated my time to the cause of Tequila… it made be happy but not before almost throwing up on everyone in a fun new drinking game that I call “Race to the Ribena”.

It all started when I saw Barry with 2 shots of tequila… all for himself, so I decided to make things interesting by buying four shots of tequila, three for me, one for him and see who could down them first! Two guys downing tequila for nothing more than pride is pretty much a text book case of degenerate alcoholism, so in order to make it all acceptable, there had to be a prize! A lonely looking pint glass of Ribena was in the middle of the table and so the drinking game “Race to the Ribena” was born. The only thing that stood in our way were hurdles… hurdles of tequila that is!

I personally think it’s an ideal drinking game – the winner is rewarded with the one thing that will stop them getting sick while the loser is left there gagging, much to the entertainment of the onlookers! Why not try it yourself? In fact, why stop at three shots of tequila? I’d almost pay to see footage of people attempting something like 5 shots!

Oh and for the record, I won the inaugural event! :)

150 or a broken nose!

“€150 or a broken nose”. Just one, of very few quotes I remember from last night! We decided at around 8pm to try find an Irish pub. I don’t know what it is about the Irish and our tendency to gravitate towards overpriced pubs whose claim to be Irish is just an excuse to charge us more! Thankfully we ran into a few Irish people who were only too happy to buy us drinks all night! That’s about as good as my night got though!

Fast forward a few hours and we were stumbling out of this all you can drink bar. Well, the lads stumbled out, I had some black bouncer drag me out after he jumped in over a toilet cubicle to get me while going for a piss… or get sick, I can’t really remember! Apparently you can only stay an hour but I think I managed to drink back my €45 in that time.

Only one more day to go. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing, or a bad thing!

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